Ladies, beware! Have you ever been praised for exhibiting masculine traits? Are you afraid of aging? Do you take pride in abstaining from “basic” activities? 

Internalized misogyny (used interchangeably with internalized sexism), a term that was first explored by psychologist Steve Bearman in 2009, refers to sexist behaviors and attitudes held subconsciously by women against other women. As feminism has entered mainstream media, this condition has followed in its shadow. Despite the feminist movement’s aim to provide women with the choice to do and be whatever they please, society has not improved in this department—where we were formerly confined to traditionally feminine behaviors, we are now confined to defying traditional femininity. Today, girls are praised for embracing the tomboy lifestyle. The world of Barbie dolls and Easy Bake Ovens is now often looked down upon—all the while, ironically, in the name of feminism.

Growing up in the feminist frenzy of the 2010s, I quickly discovered the monstrous symptoms of internalized misogyny—first in others, and later in myself. Born with a natural affinity for the color pink, I received a never-ending array of passive aggressive commentary over my pink lifestyle. Dresses, backpacks, iPod cases, you name it. If it was pink, I was a punching bag. Throughout elementary school, few seemed to take an interest in my life as a ballerina, but many praised my macho on the soccer field. 

By the time I entered middle school, I learned to place my few masculine traits at the forefront of my personality: my closest friends were boys, I refused to wear makeup, and I had my heart set on becoming a woman in STEM (spoiler alert: none of these statements are accurate today). I didn’t know why, but I knew that I was better off hiding my love for rom-coms and hair tinsel. 

At a macroscopic level, it makes sense that this type of behavior would plague the United States. A capitalist country depends entirely on the individualistic mindset—if it’s acceptable for everyone to find common ground, where is the incentive for competition? In American society, a successful person is one who stands out from the crowd, a doctrine that’s instilled in children from a very young age. When synergized with the conventions of the patriarchy, young girls are tasked with one supreme goal: separate from femininity as much as humanly possible. 

When young, it may even feel like the feminist thing to do—we must prove that girls can do anything boys can, right? The most effective way to do this, we learn, is to defy all gender norms. We are taught that there is no compliment more gratifying than being told that we’re “not like other girls.” We learn to look at the typical behaviors of teenage girls with disgust. We preach that girls are too much drama to be around (and then we feel betrayed when told that we are overreacting). When young, it is easy for girls to dedicate themselves to the anti-girly cause. However, as we grow old, it becomes more and more impossible to escape the fate of every woman before us: despite any and all efforts to the contrary, women continue to be faced with condescension and inferiority. 

Through my introduction to fandom culture, it became impossible to ignore my own internalized misogyny. Today, I cannot imagine my life without the unbridled excitement of album releases, new season premieres, and tour announcements. At the same time, I wonder what life would be like without the disapproving glances and belittling ridicule that comes with the territory of being a fan. Why is it that fangirling over a boyband is immature and hysterical, but going crazy for your local sports team is deemed an important cultural custom?

After years of not wearing makeup and pretending to despise the romantic comedy genre, I’ve finally come to realize that the true philosophy of feminism lies within a woman’s ability to do whatever brings her joy. For some, that means playing sports and becoming an entrepreneur. For others, it means wearing bows and getting a manicure. For most, it is a unique combination of both masculine and feminine. While I love to voice my political opinions and play in the mud, I also love to braid my hair and scream along to Taylor Swift. To anyone out there who struggles with internalized misogyny: the best treatment out there is to unapologetically do what makes you happy.